I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My life is pants optional.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
