she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
