I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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