Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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