can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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