Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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