Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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