piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My bed is full of blood and feathers
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize