I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
