Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
