I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I can text with my tongue
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
