You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
