I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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