I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
