I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
