At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
