Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
