in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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