Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
