remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
