chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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