remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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