id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
