I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
dude. I can hear the air.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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