i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
