so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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