I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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