my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
