I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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