I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
