If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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