If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
