You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
