theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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