Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
