it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
