i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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