Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
