You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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