I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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