turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
