I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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