Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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