Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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