Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
