Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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