How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize