Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
