woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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