It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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