I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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