I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
