I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
