I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
