his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
