I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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