I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize