I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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