I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
