I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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