tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
