I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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