I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
