you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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