dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
