Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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