I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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