Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
