wrigley field is MILF paradise
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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