Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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