Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
